Four years ago I found myself at the bottom of a very deep and dark hole. I had experienced two heart attacks within a year of each other, I had retired from my job as a nurse after many years, I faced few prospects for work, and I was depressed. Deeply depressed.
At first I spent the majority of my time fooling myself into thinking it was going to be ok. Surely the universe would have my back here. I can do this. I had no plan at all. Just a vague notion that maybe it would just magically all work out. Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, and guess what happened? Nothing changed.
Then I slipped into the dark hole and stayed there. I became very good at berating and hating myself. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me. I blamed everyone and everything around me. But most of all I blamed myself. I hated the man that stared back at me in the mirror, but somehow I also felt like I deserved this. Many people in my life tried to help, but I wouldn’t listen to them. What did they know? They couldn’t possibly understand how I was feeling!
Last year I made a decision. Not a half-ass kind of decision. A real no going back, I will die on this hill decision. This had to change, and I had to change it.
I was so angry, hurt, scared, depressed, hopeless, and sad, and that created a rage inside of me to say, “ENOUGH!! I’VE HAD ENOUGH!!” So I decided. No more would I sit in that dark hole. No more would I not show up for Katie. No more would I feel sorry for myself. NO MORE!!
Things started to change very quickly. I started to work on me. I discovered that the world wasn’t out to get me, it was just waiting for me to decide and take action. I realized how painful it had been for Katie to watch me go through this, and exactly how wonderful she is for realizing I had to walk this path alone no matter how much it tore her up inside. I discovered how much faith everyone had in me, even when I had none in myself. Once I had found my hill, I was shocked at how many people climbed the hill and fought beside me. I discovered how much love I have in my heart, and in my life. I found out how grateful I am for everyone, every day, and every breath I get to share. I stopped taking everything for granted and started telling people how much I appreciate them. I learned to appreciate myself. I learned to love myself again.
Don’t get me wrong. There were struggles along the way. There were days when the old me would try to wake up. But I had already made my decision. And I would never climb down from this hill. Never. Somehow a magic thing happened. It made the struggle bearable. It made the dark days lighter. The decision gave me the strength to punch back. The decision reminded me that life wasn’t happening to me. Life was happening because of my choices. There are still struggles. But my decision is a bright beacon, a north star that leads me out of anything thrown my way.
In the last year, Katie and I have moved into a bigger space, we both work from home, our relationship has never been better, we take positive steps every day, I have learned to laugh again, and I have found a peace and serenity I didn’t know existed. I wake up every day motivated, excited, happy, and thankful.
Are you tired of life the way it is? Do you feel called to something bigger, better, exciting, and powerful? Then make a decision today. The kind of decision that there’s no going back on. You are going to stand on the hill of this decision and die if necessary. Because this hill? This is your hill, and no one can take your hill. Reach into yourself, grab that feeling, and climb your hill. I know you’ll be surprised by the results. And I’ll fight beside you. That’s a promise.
